I'll put some of my more formal/well-written vents here, feel free to comment about them. I have this mostly cause I feel attention seeking making all these posts about my problems.

Less coherent things will be written in the comments.

also trigger warning for swearing, serious themes, self-lothing, ranting, inconsiderate speech, general bullshit, bad mouthing(?)

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022

I feel so fucking lonely and I'm literally in a relationship. We haven't spoken in days. I miss her but I'm also kinda mad but like not really?? I wish she wouldn't do this but I know she likely has a good reason but she should tell me first before she disappears off the face of the earth. But then I feel guilty for thinking this way, I know only partially what she's going through and thats bad enough but I still have to fucking audacity to be upset. Real butch move there, good going

Saturday, March 5th, 2022

I'm so sick and tired of being and feeling so lonely, I'm in a relationship I shouldn't be feeling this way right. But we just never talk anymore, she's never online when I message her it takes days for her to reply, than shell write "in love" in her bio and shit. Girl then show it, prove it, cause frankly I am feeling no love. To be dramatic I feel neglected, to be accurate I'm just sick of being ignored. I know she saw my message but where's the reply, I know she's been online on a different app but where is the effort to even say hi. I shouldn't have to do this, right? Idk..

Its just hard to give her all this near endless love and when I'm getting literally nothing from her. You know I saw this picture the other day, it said something along the lines of "if someone loves/cares about you, they won't leave when times get tough." That sounds a bit like bs to me but I were to just take it as truth it makes a lot of sense. My dad left (well we left him technically but whatever), my ex left me (I'm over them completely but it really hurt at the time, I really did and still think we could have worked it out but it's over so whatever) and now my current gf is just gone.

This quote just sums up my experiences a lot. Though tbh I think I deserve this, I've been kind of a butch my whole life and never really faced any obvious punishments. From the outside it's looks like I've lived this near perfect life, normal enough parents, no major money problems, a home, food, friends, good education, no discrimination, it goes on. But I feel like hell, I've felt the urge to run away many times and even tried to once but I know that's not gonna solve anything. I want to run away in the sense I wanna delete my presence everywhere, online and irl and just start over, I want to be a kid again and just live. I don't wanna over think, I don't wanna be a stupid ungrateful brat, I just wanna live. But no, this is my punishment, I am my biggest problem, my worst enemy. And the hardest part to swallow about that is that I'm stuck like that, you can't run away from yourself. So I've been trying to come to with the fact that I'm a bitch. I'm just a bitch. So much to offer to the world but I won't I'll just sit around doing nothing. Probably just gonna die from a heart attack or stroke before I'm 30 so whatever, fuck it.

I need help, I want help, I know I'm fucked up in the head. Anyways I need to stop. I've been talking for to long and no one gives a fuck.

Monday, March 21st, 2022

heh long time no see.

they're all the fucking same. (Now I don't mean the words um about to say but please just let me get this feeling out of my system) my gf's and even my fucking ex are being bitchs agin. Now I may just be a high maintenance, clingy, attention seeking bitch but like they are flat out ignoring me that's sounds hella selfish but my gf and I haven't had a real chat since valentines day. How are we supposed to be a couple, how am I supposed to her when she literally won't talk to me? I know it's not personal I just feel hurt tho. Hell I get so unsure of our relationship in times like this, like I don't even know her real fucking name, I have no clue what she looks like and deep down I fear she's just some 49 year old man leading me on. But I know she isn't, I've heard her voice so she can't be. But it high key feels like that sometimes. I give her her space, so much space that it might be too much and yet she seemed so uncomfortable with sharing thing with me.

whenever we call, which isn't often, she's texting and talking about someone else during the call. Like I don't know these people whatsoever and shell just keep juppering on about them. Im not jealous, it's more like sometimes I want it to just be us, like when we call why can't it be us? Why is there always someone else?

Monday, August 15th, 2022

well it's been awhile.

I miss them so bad it's ridiculous, like it's been I believe ten months since we broke up but I miss what we have so badly. they were so kind and still are just as sweet and understanding. they're lowkey the best person I've ever met, no offense to everyone else I know but them!! but like how do you go about getting back with an ex that has probably moved on and probably had a partner cause how would someone that amazing not have one. anyway in getting side tracked, how when we don't talk all that often and only really text if I start it, (typically with me having a breakdown) it's not a great way to be viewed on my part but they are still so caring. I can't tell if their just being nice or what cause that really is who they are